Dear Lex: I have been married six years and I am worried about my husband's relationship with our 5-year-old son. My husband is very stern and has an unwavering view of right and wrong. I disagree with many of his ideas about parenting, and our relationship suffers as a result. My husband and my son do not talk, play ball or anything else I expect a father and son to do. The only thing my husband does consistently is criticize, yell and belittle. He often calls him a "baby" and tells him he acts like "a girl." My son gets upset, and my husband taunts or spanks him instead of comforting him. I admit I baby him, but I justify that because I am compensating for my husband's harsh behavior. My son has recently begun saying he doesn't love his daddy, doesn't care about him, wishes he were not home, etc.
What do you suggest I do?
-- A Concerned Mother
Dear Connie: You were a complete idiot to marry this dirtbag. However, there is a clean way out -- Life insurance. Make sure you'll get at least a million dollars when your man dies. Anything less and it ain't worth the effort. A lot of wives are afraid to eighty-six the losers they married. But if you follow my outline, you can buy an upgrade next time you hit the husband store.
Here's the deal: Look on e-Bay and buy yourself a 40 year old hair dryer, one that works, with a long extension cord; and then plan a hot date at home for just you and hubby. One of your yenta friends can take care of junior for the evening.
On date night, plug that dryer in a socket near your tub and fix the best pasta dinner you can cook. Sauce it up with meat and cheese and have a quality bottle of tequila to go with the meal. Before your husband gets home from work, strip off all your clothes, put on nothing but a terrycloth robe and greet the monster at the front door with a wet kiss. Once you get him fed, turned on, and drunk, fill the bath and help your soon-to-be-former husband out of his clothes. Then get into the tub with him. After a few minutes of fooling around, tell the bastard you have a big surprise for him and get yourself out of the bath. Before he can react, toss that plugged-in old hair dryer in the tub.
You won't need to worry again about him abusing your boy, and you can spend some of the loot on a shrink if you feel guilty about electrocution.
Dear Lex: A few months ago, I received two marriage proposals. I have not given a response to either man.
My family adores "Chet." However, since his proposal he has been dodging me. He's even making plans to buy a house with a male friend. He's smart, goofy and very protective. He just doesn't seem to have any initiative when it comes to planning a future. The other man, "Dennis," is a couple of years older. He adores me and treats me like a princess. He is very prepared for his future. He even told me a few days ago that if I accept his proposal, I can start looking for a house. The only problem is, my family doesn't like him and isn't aware I've been seeing him.
So here I am with these two great guys who love me. I love them, too, but it isn't fair to string them along. Which one should I pick?
-- Confused and Torn
Dear Tornie: First, Chet's gay. Even though that can be a good thing when it comes to picking out the drapes and not leaving his dirty underwear on the floor, the chances you come home after work on a Tuesday night and find him naked in your bed with a man dressed up to look like Marilyn Monroe are about 92.3 percent. With AIDS and all, you don't want to go that route. If you gotta marry one of these turkeys, then go with Dennis, the straight guy. However, it's probably the case that your family is right about Dennis and there is something wrong with him that you can't see, yet. To protect yourself, just in case things go bad down the line, make sure you got a million dollar life insurance policy on Dennis and keep an old hair dryer around with a long extension cord.
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